Funny Glad to Be Out of Bed
A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...
Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you attempt to slap the meat and miss, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks in the bar until we close". The bartender looks back at the customer and asks "So what do you say, would you like to give the challenge a shot?" The customer quickly responds with a "No". "Why not?" The bartender asks. The customer replies, "The stakes are too high".
An amateur golfer playing in his first tournament
was delighted when a beautiful girl came up to him after the round and suggested he come over for a while. The fellow was a bit embarrassed to explain that he really couldn't stay all night but that he'd be glad to come over for a while. Twenty minutes later they were in he bed making love. When it was over, he got out of bed and started getting dressed.
"Hey," called the girl from beneath the covers, "where do you think you're going? Arnold Palmer wouldn't leave so early."
At that he the golfer stripped off his clothes and jumped on top of her. After they'd made love a second time, he got out of bed and put his pants back on.
"What are you up to?" she called. "Jack Nicklaus wouldn't think of leaving now." So the golfer pulled off his pants and screwed her a third time, and afterward he started to get dressed.
"C'mon, you can't leave yet," protested the girl. "Tiger Woods wouldn't call it a day."
"Lady, would you tell me one thing?" asked the golfer, looking at her very seriously. "What's par for this hole?"
I'm immortal
Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?
"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."
"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."
"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."
Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my wife.
Kind of makes me immortal.
Somebody told me that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...
I'm really glad I went for a second opinion before my surgery.
What are the two biggest lies when working for a large corporation?
"Hello. I'm from the head office and I'm here to help you"
"Welcome. We're glad to have you"
Song you sing to your dad on Father's Day?
Glad You Came.
A woman and a man are lying in bed
A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Every hotel room was taken.
By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time?"
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
I thought my son would be glad and appreciate that I got him a trampoline
But nooo, all he does is sit and cry in his wheelchair all day
A boy asks his mom: "Why is my skin so much darker than yours and Dad's?"
... she says: "That was a pretty wild orgy, be glad you don't bark"
They say 99% of the population is stupid...
I'm glad to be a member of the other 2%!
You can explore glad merry reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean glad luckiest dad jokes. There are also glad puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I heard my son's girlfriend screaming "Oh God!" in his bedroom upstairs ...
Im so glad he found a good religious girl.
I'm adopted and I'm glad my parents were at least honest enough to tell me.
But why everyday?
9 out of 10 Americans are stupid...
I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.
A 96 year old man goes to an addictions therapy meeting...
He listens as each person explains their addiction and then its his turn.
"Hello, my name is Bob and I have a sex addiction," he says. "I have sex at least once a day, sometimes two or three times."
"Hello Bob," says the therapist. "Glad you are here. Never too old to get help."
"Help?" says Bob, "I ain't here to get help. I just came to brag!"
Last night I let my boyfriend indulge his "scat" fantasy...
I'm glad I got that off my chest.
With all this media coverage about the clowns...
I'll be so glad when the election is over.
I'm glad my mom is such a bad cook
If my date can eat her meatloaf with a smile, I know they'll swallow anything.
What did Barack Obama write inside his Valentines card?
"I'm glad I've got you Michelle; I didn't want to be Obamaself"
You know many surnames are taken from jobs. Taylor , Smith , Cooper, etc.
Man, am I glad my last name isn't Dickinson!
When I was a teenager, my dad found cigarettes in my room & made me smoke the whole pack.
I'm really glad he didn't find my bag of heroin.
I asked my mom to tell me her best joke.
She looked me straight in the eyes and said "I'm so glad I didn't get an abortion"
A man decides to go to his psychiatrist wearing nothing but glad wrap.
The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, 'it's clear, I can see your nuts'.
Did you ever wake up, give the person next to you a big kiss, and just feel glad you're alive?
I did that today, and I'm not allowed back on that airline.
The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed
The label says the expiry date is June 2018.
I'm so glad they dug it up just in time
I'm glad I wasn't close to my dad when he died
He stepped on a landmine
I'm so glad I stumbled across that optometrist's webpage...
...it was a site for sore eyes.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive?
I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...
An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...
She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"
Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"
What do you call a Roman who just went down on his girlfriend?
Glad he ate her...
Are you not entertained?
I am really glad that No Nut November is over.
A whole month without cashews was rough.
I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math...
Glad to know I'm in the other 2%.
Looking back, I'm glad I didn't get that YouTube internship
I really dodged a bullet
Whenever I see lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think that's cute
I'm just glad I'm not the only one who brings a knife on a date
A woman who was married six times had just died.
During the funeral service, the pastor heard her sister say "I'm so glad they are finally together!"
The pastor replies "Which husband are you referring to?"
"None of them. I was talking about her legs."
Some guys at the gym called me a fat loser today
I'm glad they notice my effort.
I'm glad the cave rescue is complete....
Now when I google Thai boys I can get back to normal results
I threw my wife a surprise bukkake party..
I'm just glad everyone came, you should of seen her face.
A median and a mode walk into a bar.
The bartender says, I'm glad you dumped your buddy. He's mean.
Because it wasn't good for Adam to be all by himself, the Lord came down for a visit.
"Adam," the Lord said, "I have a plan to make you a very happy man. I'm going to give you a companion who will fulfill your every need and desire. She will be loving, and beautiful, and faithful. She will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."
Adam was stunned, "That sounds incredible!"
"I'm glad you like the idea, but it doesn't come cheap." The Lord replied. "It will cost you an arm and a leg."
"That's a pretty high price to pay," Adam said. "What can I get for a rib?"
I'm glad we have that sex offender registry.
Without, It would be so much harder to find new, like-minded friends in the neighborhood.
I'm glad China only spread a virus and not a bear.
Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.
What do whores and Walmart have in common?
We all make fun of them, but when we're inside one at 4am we're glad they're around.
Glad to see my Buddhist friends join and chant in the protests
Everyone knows the more Ohms- the greater the resistance.
A penguin is driving to the mall...
All of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.
He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.
The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?"
The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."
As a former high schooler I'm glad online classes are becoming the norm. I remember having to witness teachers having sex with kids, meth being done in the bathrooms, and living with the fear of school shootings.
Being home schooled in Mississippi was rough.
A wealthy man had a homeless man come to his door begging for money.
The man said I'm glad to help, but its healthy to work for your money. I've got a porch out back that needs painting. All the painting supplies are ready in the garage. If you paint the porch, I'll pay you $300. The homeless man agrees and heads to the back. About four hours later he goes to the front of the house and rings the doorbell. The man answers and says let's head back and see how well you painted the porch. The homeless man says alright, and, by the way, it's not a Porsche, it's a Lamborghini.
I wrote a terrible joke about deaf people.
I'm just glad they'll never hear it.
People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and controlled news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.
That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, America.
I'm so glad I learned to lockpick.
It's opened so many doors for me.
9/10 Redditors are idiots
I'm glad to be the 1%
The police arrive to find two Irishmen with a dead Pakistani.
The Police ask, Do you know how this man died?
The Irishmen reply, No we don't know anything about the man!
The police then ask, Do you know what his name was?
The Irishmen reply again, and they say I told you I don't know anything about the man! We just went drinking with him a lot but never knew anything about him. All I know is that he has two arseholes.
The police asked in shock, Are you sure he had two arseholes?
The Irishmen replied, We're absolutely certain. Every time we went to a bar with him, the barman would always say, 'Look! There's the Pakistani with those two arseholes!'
Wow glad you guys liked this one
Two Married Unicorns are Lying in Bed
The husband Unicorn, without looking up from his newspaper, says big storm's a brewin . The wife Unicorn then replies, well then I'm glad we didn't go on that cruise with your whack job friend Noah!
In spite of all our differences here on Reddit, I'm glad about one thing.
Everyone reading this.... is on the same page.
I was traveling on business, and the night before I came home I called my wife.
I told her, "When I get home, I want to make love with you so badly!"
She said, "I'm glad to see you've stopped overestimating your abilities."
A pair of cows...
... were talking in the field. One says, Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?
Yeah, the other cow says. Makes me glad I'm a penguin.
A knight was about to ride off into battle.
Afraid that his wife would be unfaithful, he fitted her with a chastity belt. He gave the key to his best friend, telling him that he was the only person he could trust.
The knight rode off, and an hour later he heard the sound of galloping hoofbeats behind him. His friend rode up next to him.
"I'm glad I caught you," said the friend. "You gave me the wrong key."
Little girls first day at new school.The teacher asks her name.
The girl replies, "Happy butt." The teacher is a little annoyed and asks again. The girl answers, "Happy butt." The teacher wants to set an example on the first day and sends the girl to the principal's office.
The principle looks at the girl's file and says, "Why didn't you give your correct name? It says here your name is Gladys."
The girls says, "Glad ass, happy butt- what's the difference?"
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm so glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
I'm glad to report that I realized my dream
last night I dreamt that I was peeing and when I woke up I found out that indeed I was peeing
Glad my blood is b-negative
Last time they tried to build a hive in there.
A pair of cows were talking in the field.
A pair of cows were talking in the field.
One says: "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"
"Yeah" the other cow says, "makes me glad I am a penguin."
Not a joke but a thanks to this community
I'm so glad this sub exists, I crack these jokes all the time to my gf and she loves them. Thanks for all the creativity here!
What's the loudest color?
YELL-O!
(Orange ya glad I didn't say red?)
Source: https://jokojokes.com/glad-jokes.html
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